5 Year Old is Serious About Playing House
Posted by Calen Brennan on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2010 at 2:43pm. 
The increasing aggressiveness of rural charm has become a concern for Cherry Hills homeowners after a 5-year-old girl was struck violently by the stunning views of the Rocky Mountains and exquisite detailing of the Neoclassical designs of the neighborhood's exclusive single-family homes.
Amy Van Horne lives in a quiet residential street and, to the eyes of the average Denver resident, seems no different from any other little girl fresh from kindergarten. Her attractive brown hair and brown eyes and adorable demeanor, however, conceal a threat that her parents blame on the steadily rising real estate values of their neighborhood.
“Amy just can't stop talking about the real estate values," her tearful mother, June Van Horne, said. "Her Barbie was a vet or a lawyer before, but now she's just a Realtor ®. She keeps giving tours of Barbie's Dream Mansion with her dolls. We took the house away, but she just assembled a bunch of cardboard boxes and claimed they were undergoing gentrification."
Psychologists are at a loss to explain the pint-sized property expert’s change from normal 5-year-old girl to budding real estate guru. “She obviously has some deep-seated trauma related to the national recession,” claimed Siegfried Woodhauser, PhD. “Her obsession with the Denver real estate market is abnormally intense and while she seems very positive about the growth in the region for the next 5 years or so, we’re definitely worried about her emotional balance should Denver residential real estate drop in value or sales.”
Neighbors are sympathetic, even as they sidle up to Amy and her mother to casually ask Amy what she thinks of their home’s location and its prospects if they should decide to sell this year. “It’s a sad thing for a child’s gift to cause her parents such concern,” said local resident Fred Hostler, “However, it sure is handy having a kid like her around. I’ve already developed my three-year plan for renovation and sale with her help and all it cost me was a handful of Tootsie Pops.”
“I realize that she may have a gift, but it’s too soon. Too soon,” Amy’s father, Paul Van Horne said as he shooed yet another hopeful away from his daughter, who had dragged him over to a RE/MAX booth. While her father watched her anxiously, she stood discussing condo prices in LoDo with a bemused Realtor ® (who asked not to be identified). The Realtor ® later confided, “I think she knows more than I do; I had no idea where she got the latest stats!”
Woodhauser has a cheerful outlook on Amy’s mental health, however. “I realize that Amy’s parents are concerned,” he said, stuffing MLS listing printouts into a briefcase. “I’ve just finished Amy’s twice-weekly session, where we discuss the Denver home investment mark- ah, her mental outlook and I’m confident that she will be fine, with regular counseling sessions to, uh, help her manage her special gift.”
The Metropolitan Denver Blogging Team came up with this Onion.com-style fiction article. If you like it and want to post it in your blog, please credit us with the following link: MetropolitanDenver.com
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